Podcast: The Power of “Yes, and…”
One could describe the idea of the Tao, as referring to an ancient Chinese animism, that counsels conversing and dancing in accord with the natural forces prevailing in the world. “Yes, and…” comes from the Theatrical Improv tradition (in particular, I think of Viola Spolin), and yet counsels the exact same action: how do you embrace oncoming energy, and ride it to where you need to go? Discover the amazing wisdom in a western tradition that verges on a kind of home-grown “shamanism” (for lack of a better word), as encapsulated in “yes, and…”.
“PLAY UNSAFE”, by Graham Walmsley
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August 7th, 2008 at 6:57 am
I really enjoyed this podcast. It put a lot of things into perspective about the way I interact with my kids. I try to practice positive parenting, but all too often I lose patience and find myself behaving punitively to try to force them to do something they don’t want to do.
August 7th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
[…] medicine, and with a commitment to document our findings and chart our exploration. We are saying, “Yes! And…” to the implications a symbolism rooted in antiquity, as a method for creating new symbolic […]
August 7th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Vicky:
Thanks for telling a little bit of your story! In a funny way, “Yes, and…!” doesn’t so much lead to ‘positive parenting’ (at least as I think of the notion), so much as ’sincere parenting’, if you know what I mean. Fun stuff!
August 8th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
What do you mean by “positive parenting”? I understand it to mean parenting without using rewards and punishments, which seems pretty compatible with “yes and…”
August 8th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Hey, thanks for asking for a clarification. From your description, ‘Positive parenting’ means the same thing to me (if any ‘official’ definition exists, I unfortunately remain ignorant of it, so I apologize if so) - which exactly poses the dichotomy. What does it mean to parent without rewards and punishments? To me it means to stay child-focused, to direct one’s attention to avoiding rewards or punishments.
Whereas, “yes, and…” means that I pay attention to myself, the energy I offer, stay aware of the child and the energy they offer, aware of the people environment and the energy they offer, aware of the day and the energy it offers. The child and I, two human beings, offering each other respect and attention, as we both interact with the changing energies around us.
Essentially, rather than a philosophy of interaction, if I maintain my energy reserves and focus on the relationship, reward and punishment don’t enter into it - they only enter into in when I feel exhausted. Then I fall into modes of “how I should behave”. For a Scrub Jay father, rather than chiding himself, at those moments you notice him simply hiding from his adolescent young.
But in loving, practical, energy-rich spaces (as achieved by building skill with “yes, and…”), naturally compassionate people simply don’t need any parenting philosophy - they simply do what they do, as loving human beings.
August 17th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Vicky wrote: “. I try to practice positive parenting, but all too often I lose patience and find myself behaving punitively to try to force them to do something they don’t want to do.”
Vicky’s quote above describes what I experience some of the time parenting, and I notice this a lot in other parents too. Parenting our 9 year old son is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have been involved in his life for over 6 years now.
First off I have to say that I’m tough on myself. And when I first started out parenting, I read a lot about it. I started with books like “The Continuum Concept”, “Inventing the Child”, and parts of “For Your Own Good”. TCC made a lot of sense to me, so I/we followed it the best we could. And, of course, as a parent who was raised by parents, and they raised by parents, and they raised by parents, and they raised by parents in this culture, you simply can’t follow all of what Liedloff talked about in TCC. There is a lot of unmetabolized emotional baggage there. That’s just the way it is.
Well, one day we mentioned our frustration about this to Annie’s aunt and uncle from Michigan. They’re almost like the perfect parents. They both work out of their home, homeschool their children, have no television, provide their children with good social interactions, read to them, and so on. Her aunt said that we need to remember one thing about Liedloff (She read TCC too), she didn’t have kids. This really helped me out a lot, and I look for this in authors who are talking about parenting.
After working all day cutting trees to make a paycheck, out in the hot sun and swarming insects, and your boss riding your ass, I have found out it’s hard to maintain equilibrium with your 3 or 4 year old child some times. Especially if they didn’t have a nap. In the evening, when you want to sit down and relax, they’re just getting revved up. They won’t let you sit down (And we don’t have a TV to hold them captive). My point is that being a parent and a child in this culture is damn tough, but I think we’re getting better at it.
I often find myself going back to the line of thought that Ran Prieur has introduced using Lloyd de Msause’s work: Despite all of the atrocities, in general were getting better at parenting.
http://ranprieur.com/zines/sw1p2.html
Ran writes: “Just since I mentioned Lloyd de Mause, I’ve been reading his History of Childhood, and another layer of scales has fallen off my eyes — a few thousand more and maybe I’ll stop stumbling around this dark place. What we see as the most psychotic attitudes about children and the most horrific abuses were, in the past, the accepted attitudes and practices through which all normal children were raised. And the farther back you look, the worse it gets.”
Take care,
Curt
August 17th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Yeah, What Curt said!
Being a parent is one of the hardest things you will ever do,,,except for maybe being a step parent.
August 17th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I have a feeling some third conversation happened here that I didn’t intend; Curt, Billy, Vicky, I certainly don’t have kids, and don’t write this blog as a parent of any sort (though as an uncle, perhaps). I don’t have any advice for anybody else’s children, or how to raise them.
I’ll tell you what I DO have; I have stories, conversation starters, and ideas for People (parents, children, old folks, single folks, teenagers) who want to relearn to take care of themselves better, in a puritannical culture that would like us all to disassociate from our own needs and feelings.
“Yes, and…”, for me, doesn’t serve as a parenting strategy; it serves as a way to maintain oneself so that you have the most to offer, at any one moment, the people you care about.
Billy, Curt, Vicky, do you have anything you’d like to add? Ask questions about? Voice an objection to?
August 17th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Willem, can you direct me to some more material on “Yes, and…”
I can’t listen to your podcasts on my ^#@* dial up.
August 17th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
OK I just followed the links back to your original blog post.
“Yes, and…” is exactly what parents need to do all the time. I reecently embarked on a parenting journey with my ten year old niece. She came to us from foster care and has been through some crazy stuff. I come face to face with having a hard time finding much to offer, on a daily basis lately. “Yes, and…” is my mantra.
August 18th, 2008 at 5:24 am
Willem,
You wrote: “Billy, Curt, Vicky, do you have anything you’d like to add? Ask questions about? Voice an objection to?”
I’d like to add that in my last post I was throwing some support Vicky’s way without listening to the podcast (we’ve got dial-up internet service). I know what it’s like to, in her words “find myself behaving punitively to try to force them [children] to do something they don’t want to do.” And, of course, the support I was offering was coming from a place of not so much agreeing with this action as a parent (It simply don’t work), but saying that I can relate to it as a parent. Then when you sit down as a parent after behaving this way and read the child psychology literature, you can start to feel real bad. And sometimes it takes another parent’s point of view, who don’t have a degree in psychology or psychiatry, to help put things into perspective for you.
So, I apologize if my comment took the conversation to an unintended place.
Does this make sense?
Take care,
Curt
But I apologize for taking the the conversation in a direction that it wasn’t intended to go.
August 18th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Alright - I reacted to something that apparently didn’t exist. I feel really glad you reached out to support Vicky. Thanks guys. In terms of the discussion here, you can talk about parenting all you want; I just didn’t know whether or not you thought I had presented myself as an expert on parenting.
Please keep sharing your stories.
August 19th, 2008 at 4:01 am
Willem,
You wrote: “I just didn’t know whether or not you thought I had presented myself as an expert on parenting.”
I should have stated that in my first post. I’m glad it’s all worked out now.
Take care,
Curt
August 20th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Expert on parenting? ha ha hah hah hahhah hhahahhaaaaaah! oooohhhh Ok whew,,,sorry.
August 20th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Heh heh. Well, folks get crazy ideas, sometimes, yasee. Heh heh. Hrm. Who can explain the chidless parenting expert anyhow? They seem pretty common.
September 29th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Some news on this “Yes, and…!” thing. Lisa’s mentor Adrienne Flagg just told us that it actually comes from Keith Johnstone’s tradition of improv, not Spolin’s. Adrienne included it in her bag of tricks just because it fit like a glove.
So there we go. A little clarification on lineage!
February 10th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
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February 11th, 2009 at 10:50 am
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