You Go First
When it comes to culture change and personal growth, I notice folks often (naturally, according to the conditioning of our culture) asking others to “go first”. But why not apply new tools and understandings to ourselves first, until we’ve mastered them? Why not “go first”, ourselves?
For example, take the practice of Nonviolent Communication. When I first started practicing NVC, I “helped” conversation partners out a lot by “correcting” their NVC use. After indulging this kind of arrogant mischief for quite a while, it finally occurred to me that correcting others behavior presented a massive wall to trust, understanding, and peace. In essence, by correcting them (without their request to do so), I spoke “violently” (in the parlance of NVC). From that point on I made it a practice of applying the observation and empathic skills strictly to myself and my own needs, assuming that others would benefit from the clarity such practice produced in me. I discovered the truth in that assumption as my skill improved.
Funny enough (or not so funny, depending on how you look at this) I practiced the same short-sighted abuse of new tools when learning Don Miguel Ruiz’ “Four Agreements”. You could find me lecturing my girlfriend of the time on how she hadn’t adhered to “Don’t Take Anything Personally”, or one of the other Agreements.
Honestly, I have done this with many of these kinds of personal and communicative tools, over the years.
By the time I began to experiment and practice the Haudensaunee’s three “Peace Principles” as communicated to me by Jake Tekaronianeken Swamp, I think I’d finally hit on it. I accepted these principles as a gift for myself, and they would benefit others to the extent they changed my behavior in more life-affirming ways, rather than how I lectured and corrected others in their use.
American culture elevates the ‘word’, especially the written word, to such a high level, that it commonly eclipses the purpose of the word: to communicate understanding, to change behavior, to have a real impact in the world. Often words talk to words, without any of them sullying each other by affecting the “real world”.
I stand here to say that my life has grown far more satisfying once I lost interest in explaining my philosophy, in favor of benefiting from it.
In fact, could someone come to understand your values, and learn the tools of communication you use, simply by experiencing you using them? Not through your articulation of them, nor purchasing the book that explains them, nor through diagrams on white boards, but simply from observing you as a role model?
This sounds an awful lot like “mentoring”, doesn’t it?
Perhaps you will allow me to challenge you: can you take your top, most dearly held values, or your favorite new tool of growth or communication, and embody them for a month without explaining or articulating them to anyone else, enough so that an observant person could discern these unspoken values, tools, or focus of growth?
A pretty cool idea, I think.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Willem, this is awesome. Sort of like “learn to do something simple but do it well.”
June 5th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
It’s been my experience in community that any group of people that gather around certain commonly held values tend to impose those same values on each other, not to mention “outsiders.” Kind of an interesting dynamic. The whole problem is that this only works positively when there is utmost integrity both in self and in relationships, but most of us are rarely so enlightened!
June 8th, 2009 at 3:27 am
Awesome! sounds like how we each walk our own paths. The wisdoms i encounter become gifts to ME. Only I can walk on my path the way i do. Good thing you point this out again. It makes me feel about myself in ways i forgot to somehow amidst all the noise.
This ancient idea you bring, comesright at a moment that these kindof things act as a central issue in my life.
What do you think about calling this another variation of “Show don’t tell?”
Simon
June 10th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Brilliant. I totally agree. And I mean it this time!
August 3rd, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Your comments are really the answer to healing the environment. Inner environment is first. Without mindfully attending first to our inner environment, we really are not going to convince or benefit many others. Though we may attract followers and debaters, our energy becomes mostly consumed by our interactions with them (and our own ego), and our focus is scattered far and wide. We may also become a mirror of the annoyance of others who are not wanting to learn what we’ve learned.
But it is also very natural to become excited and childlike about a new-found and nearly magical tool that could change to world, so learning and talking about it is not necessarily a bad thing. But maybe our excitement should first be shared with the trees and the animals. A lot of communication is just reasoning and learning out loud. So maybe, if we need to do that, go where no one is listening! After a while, the learning will internalize, and our inner environment has healed and grown enough that we can truly act upon the learnings. Probably by talking (and writing) less!
August 3rd, 2009 at 2:36 pm
“After indulging this kind of arrogant mischief for quite a while, it finally occurred to me that correcting others behavior presented a massive wall to trust, understanding, and peace. In essence, by correcting them (without their request to do so), I spoke “violently” (in the parlance of NVC).”
********After studying NVC twice — and a few years of unsuccessful attempt to find buddies to practice NVC with in my own language (ASL)—most people I know refuse to indulge complex, lengthy new methods to improve communication rapport. I could feel myself forcing too hard and backed out fast with disappointment. How can I invite people to be more receptive?
My initial approach when I tried to educate people about NVC — they got very defensive — I couldn’t explain in just a few sentence of what the entire book presented.
To prove myself that I could still learn by myself although I was still awkward at it — little by little — I found out that NVC is literally all about listening almost! I’ve always been a great listener — what I noticed was that I was often a poor responder. Sometimes I was truly at loss of how to empathetically share a feedback without demeaning them. Touch is not enough and NVC does a great job of helping me stay attuned to others’ feelings. I can now help people even find the right feelings for their situation. Before in HS I learned to parrot and that turned people off immediately.
NVC truly works even if the other person has no clue or interest about it. Takes a lot of focus and remembering though to STAY inside the mentality of NVC — and it was great seeing people’s face light up with wonderment of “Wow, you really understand me!”
I have successfully dealt with three individuals who could do nothing but verbally abuse me — one person was my mother and it was astonishing to see her literally change in front of my eyes over three weeks period of a time. She actually softened up and invited instead of demanded me to do such and such and showed child-like eagerness and softness actually permeate in our psyche. I am convinced now this works if carefully applied.
The same happened to my brother - we almost terminated our sibling relationship during a very vehement argument - and suddenly I remembered to use NVC without appearing fakey-fake about it… and he, too, to my shock softened up. A few days later after thinking hard of over what I shared, he confessed things I never thought he’d say.
Does it work every single time - I learned the hard way - no - found it horrifying when a very violent abusive person literally sucked the bones of NVC — and no matter how much I used appropriate NVC —didn’t do a thing. So, every case is different —
I’d love for society to learn LISTENING SKILLS more — something we all need to always strive to excel at and it’s a lifelong process.
I love traveling in that if I am immersed in a community — I can gleefully select favorite skills from many people just from watching.
Read once where Japanese sushi schools has it that they watch the chef cook for few years with out lecturing and they’re off being experts. Hmmm!
August 11th, 2009 at 3:08 am
Yes, in a sense, “going first” makes all personal growth models essentially “listening skills” - learning to manage yourself, stay connected in a conversation, and support the other person in telling their story, without concern for what they “should” say or do.
Glad to have you stop by, RaVen! I enjoyed your NVC story a lot.
August 11th, 2009 at 3:13 am
Lightworker-
I so, so wish that we could share personal growth processes and models in an environment free of evangelism and “secular puritanism” - the ever-implied sales pitch and wagging finger. Like ‘the invisible hand of the marketplace’, they seem to hover over us and frame all our conversations, even when we don’t wish it. (hmm…not my best metaphor.
)
I learn by teaching - I know this - I think pretty much anyone will accelerate their learning this way. But until we defang the hostile environment…I don’t know what else to do but “go first”, without discussing.
I guess if the animals and the trees receive the benefit of our discoveries first, they deserve it anyway.
Thanks for your comments.